The Three Gates of Wisdom

If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?”

These wise words have been accredited to almost every sage ranging from Buddha to Greek philosopher Socrates to Sufi mystic Rumi to Hindu guru Sathya Sain Baba and even to Hazrat Ali (ra)

But irrespective of its origin, I wonder what will happen to our society and people in general if we were to apply this adage to ourselves for a week or even a day. I personally think that at public meetings, family functions, work, home, social media and wherever there is a gathering of more than one person, most conversations would come to a complete standstill.

For what would a mother-in-law say to her son about his ‘wayward’ wife when he comes home from work? Or the daughter-in-law about her ‘susral’ when she is among her own family members during a visit to the ‘maika’? What would colleagues talk about when one of their own is not among them?

How will a team discuss their boss as soon as his back is turned? How will the print and electronic media survive if every word they say or write about politicians, sports celebrities and movie stars has to pass through this sieve of “Is it true is it necessary, is it kind”?

How would we survive if after coming home from a family wedding, we would not be at liberty to discuss the bride, her bridal dress, her looks, her make-up and jewelry, the groom, his family, the food, the dowry, the guests and the general arrangements, without adding our own tarka and spice to the real thing.

Unfortunately many among us thrive on just this diet of gossip, rumor mongering, scandal sharing and telling tales. We derive a certain satisfaction from criticizing, ridiculing and saying cutting things about each other. We like to talk about the failures and disasters that befall our family members and colleagues whom we do not like and take a certain satisfaction in the misfortune of others.

In schools and other educational institutes, we constantly find children lying, bragging, backbiting, being rude to teachers, using abusive language and bullying. Children are capable of saying horrible stuff and adults too seem to have little self censorship.

In homes, couples sometimes say cruel words to each other in anger. Parents can say taunting words to children while scolding them. We do not realize how much impact our heedless words can have on the psyche of the other person and how harsh words can gradually destroy relationships.

Parents especially should be very careful of what they say to their children and the tone they use. Saying things like “you are useless/worthless” or “you are nothing and doomed to failure” can have a very bad impact on parent-child relationship. If we learn to control our words and just think before saying something whether it is kind, true or necessary, many relationships can be saved.

Our use of social media adds another dimension to the way we communicate with the world around us. Social media makes it possible to spread gossip, rumors, lies and scandals like wildfire in a matter of minutes.

In fact, according to social media experts, gossip and rumors on websites such as Twitter and Facebook spread in the manner of a contagious virus, To borrow a scenario from a biology book, viruses undergo subtle genetic changes through mutation and major genetic changes through recombination. Similarly facts, information and reality also undergo alarming changes when being spread through social media sites. In matter of seconds, reputations can be murdered and characters slandered.

One look at the content that is shared or goes viral shows that people can become the subject of online or media ridicule due to their beliefs whether religious, social, cultural, political or more. Experts also say that there is an overwhelming flow of fake news and false information spreading across social media which travels faster and further than the truth.

Sitting in our homes, safe behind our computers, smart phones and laptops, most of us never even pause for a second while sending a text, meme or message forward. We never imagine how a person’s life can be destroyed in one moment because of an idle joke, a malicious image, a remark or a false report. Reputation has become a very fragile cheap commodity and when damaged the loss is absolute. Tragically, it can cost people their jobs, relationships, freedom, and their very lives.

Today, more than ever, we need to stop and think about the words we speak and the news we share. One of the best ways of not becoming a part of this rat race is to stay out of the matters that do not concern us. Develop a reputation as a person who does not invite gossip, rumours or tell tales. Try to stick to the truth as much as possible. Think before you discuss a person in his absence or press the “forward” button if you receive a text, meme or joke that is not in good taste.

The True Test of Our Inner Strength

There is a very famous Chinese saying: “Great souls have wills; feeble ones have only wishes.”

Whether we want to be more organized, more punctual, have a cleaner home, whether we want to learn a new skill, get rid of bad habits, save more money or get in shape, we need resolution and the strength of will to make it happen. Yet time and time again we prove ourselves weak and powerless against temptations and distractions. 

When our dreams do not materialize, we blame the circumstances, lack of resources, means, money, time, friends and family members and even the neighbours and yet we do not realize the extent of our own fault and lack of willpower.

Simply put, our willpower is our ability to resist short-term temptations in order to meet long-term goals. If I want to save money for a rainy day, I will have to stop myself from running after designer suits every time they are launched or refrain from buying branded accessories. 

The temptation to splurge and throw all caution to wind is very strong as we are constantly bombarded by advertisements in print and digital media that threaten to destroy our resolve. However this is where a strong will power and self discipline come to our rescue.

Similarly, if someone wants to get in shape, he will have to stop eating foods that are bad for his health and get involved in some sort of physical activity. The urge to sit in front of TV and watch the latest Turkish soap or every match that is being aired around the globe may be strong but once a person decides that remaining fit is more important he will have to resist such temptations.

Willpower determines whether or not we will reach the goals that we have set for ourselves or that we can persevere at tasks that are assigned to us. Willpower is the key to success and yet most of us have misplaced this important key to a better life.

Many people complain that they do not have the time or resources to pursue their dreams and goals. I feel that most of the time these are excuses that hold us back. Each one of us is blessed with 24 hours a day. It is how we chose to spend our time and resources and the choices we make that make us successful or frustrated in life.

Instead of watching a mind numbing morning show or keeping up with every Hollywood/Bollywood movie or spending excessive time on social media, we can choose to spend this time on self improvement. The key is having enough resolve to prune away unnecessary activities, expenditure and even people from our lives to be more productive. To have a strong will power we need to look at the following steps:

Know what you want: 

Be very clear about your goal, ambition or dream and set your priorities right. In most instances, what you have to do and the way you have to do it is incredibly simple. For example if you want to lose weight, you have to make smart food choices and get moving. You want to be in a better financial position, you have to cut down unnecessary expenses. You want to have better options in job and career, learn new skills and look for constant ways to improve. What you want and how you can achieve it are simple. The real test is whether you have the will power to do it.

Make a list: 

It always helps to have the goal in writing. It can serve as a reminder every time you lose self resolve.

Believe that you can do it:

Our past mistakes and lapses do not have to define our future. If we have been unable to keep our promises to ourselves, this does not mean that future efforts will also go in vain.

Remove temptations: 

If you have not developed a strong will power, then remove temptations from your vicinity. Avoid window shopping or online surfing if you can’t stop yourself from buying new stuff all the time.

Be Ready for the Struggle: 

It is not always easy to cultivate a strong will power. It is more fun to do things that we want to do rather than things that need to be done, isn’t it? So start in small doses. Let’s suppose eating out frequently is shrinking your bank account and increasing your waistline, decrease the number of time you eat out one trip per month till it is no longer wrecking your life.

Charles Dickens once said: “The most important thing in life is to stop saying ‘I wish’ and start saying ‘I will.’ It’s worth trying.

OMG! I Sound Just Like My Mom

There are a few dire warnings, threats and statements which desi mothers are prone to make, and these are handed down generations like precious heirlooms.

When I was growing up, I would roll my eyes, grind my teeth, or swear to myself that I would never say such things to my children but I guess unconsciously we absorb a lot of things from our parents. Now that we have children of our own, and we face similar obstinacy, battles and questions, we cannot resist using the same ploys our parents, especially moms, used on us.

The Flying Chappal Threat:

This is the perennial threat that is issued most during summer vacations and weekends. Sick and tired of seeing children lying comatose on beds all day or walking like zombies between the fridge and television, this “Uthtay ho ya jooti aye” threat was issued to me and my siblings on a daily basis. Maybe my mother thought she can frighten us into doing something constructive with our time. I am sorry to say that it failed to galvanize us siblings 25 years ago and falls on deaf ears in my household too.

The “Because I say so” dictum:

The ultimate response to every “Why” question throughout history has to be “because I say so.” It is a feeble way to establish authority or put an end to all pesky questions children come up with. Mothers use it as a way to re-assure themselves that they are the ones laying down the rules in the house and not the pint size toddler asking mutinously why she cannot have the fourth scoop of ice-cream.

The “if your friend jumps into a well” question:

Throughout my school and college years, if I dared to bring up a friend’s name in order to win an argument, the “If your friend jumped off a cliff/into a well, would you do it, too?” was the pat response that my mom used to win every debate.

It was no use telling her that my friend was not jumping into a well but was going to a cinema to watch the latest blockbuster or visiting the latest mall for some window shopping but in eyes of my mom, these activities translated to the same thing. I also use the same dictum with reasonable success against my children because it is so much fun to say it and then see them roll their eyes.

The “famine in Africa” reminder

Mealtimes are constant battles nowadays with picky eaters who refuse to eat anything remotely healthy and nutritious. They think it is an affront to eat plain rice, daal, chapatti and vegetable dishes when there are pizzas, burgers, tacos and street food available.

When I remind my children there are children starving in Africa who would love to have the food that they are wasting, I can almost hear my mother say the same thing.

The addiction-to-TV accusation:

In my childhood cartoons were precious and we were seldom allowed to watch movies. However on rare occasions when we were allowed to watch TV, we would get as close to the screen as possible as all family members would crowd in the same room to watch the favorite programme or cricket match. So I felt it was very unjust when our parents said “TV ka nasha hai tum logon ko” or “TV may ghuss ker baith jao.” Guess my horror when I find myself saying the same words to my children.

The ‘does money grow on trees’ question:

I must confess that this question which we grew up listening to whenever we asked for new clothes or shoes is a little obsolete now. Our children know that money does not grow on trees. They think it spills out of ATM machines.

The eyes vs button comparison:

Isn’t it strange that children’s eyes are usually very sharp when it comes to most things that they should not see or observe but send them to find a certain item from a drawer or room, and they will always come back empty handed?

Children also spend a lot of time looking for books, pens, and other stationary items that are right before their eyes on the study table and can waste an enormous amount of time looking for them while studying.

Often exasperated by our inability to find our socks or a matching thread, my mother would say “Aankhain hain ya button?”And yes, I say exactly the same words to my children for the exact same offense.

The hygiene mantra:

Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Use soap and water. What’s that smell? When did you last change your socks? What’s THAT on your bed? What’s THIS under your bed? When did you last clean your room? Every time I hear these questions coming out of my mouth, I mentally apologize to my mother for this can only be cosmic retribution for my childhood misdemeanors.

Well history tends to repeat itself and I guess, I do sound like my mom while dealing with my own children. And maybe it is not such a bad thing after all.

The Stranger In My House

How was your day?

Fine.

Anything new in school?

No.

Everything alright?

Yes.

While conversing with your teenager, you might wonder if there was really a time when your child used to talk nonstop. As toddlers, from the moment they opened their eyes to the minute they went to sleep, all they did was chatter and all you wanted was just five minutes of silence in the house.

Everything around a young child is a source of inspiration and a topic for endless commentary…toothbrush, teddy bear, egg and toast, butterfly, drive in the car, clouds, rain, ice cream, flowers, teachers, friends, school bag, colour pencils, lunch-box, Dora the explorer, Tom and Jerry…even an ant crawling up the wall is enough to make them talk incessantly with bright eyes and an animated expression.

Fast forward a few years and you will be justified to feel that some moody, silent stranger has replaced your exuberant, talkative child and the two of you do not even speak the same language.

Every question you ask is answered by a monosyllabic yes, no, or fine. Getting a proper answer out of them is as painful and arduous as getting a tooth pulled out and believe me when I tell you that tooth extraction is a truly painful procedure.

Have you ever wondered when it is that our children start shutting us out of their lives? When they feel they no longer need to tell us anything that is going on in school or after school or they can longer confide their worries to us. When did their problems get so big that that they started thinking that we, the parents, will be unable to help them? When it is that our approval or even permission becomes unimportant or irrelevant.

I feel a lot of this has to do with the way we communicate with our children. The words we use, how we respond to things they say and above all, our body language affects our relationship with our children. This can have a huge impact on whether they will feel comfortable talking to us about the big issues they will one day face as teenagers.

Renowned author and cultural historian Catherine M. Wallace says: “Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

These are wise words indeed.

If we do not listen to our children or support their little achievements or encourage them not to be afraid of failure when they are young, our children in later lives will become moody, silent and secretive.

Teenagers love to test their boundaries, That is why in most homes there are battles about what they eat, what they wear, the amount of time they spend on gadgets or watching TV and movies, the friends they hang out with, the company they keep, when they sleep and how much of their focus is on their studies.

Frustrated by their attitude, parents sometimes say harsh things in anger or desperation. Phrases like “how can you be so stupid?”, “don’t bother me” or “you will amount to nothing in life” can really hurt your child’s self esteem. And next time they feel justified in doing things secretively or not letting you about certain things they are encountering in life.

Similarly if parents are always criticizing their children’s appearance or choices, they will hesitate to confide in you or listen to what you have to say.

Instead of lecturing or scolding, the best way to talk to a teenager is to ask his opinion. For example instead of saying, “have you seen how dirty your room is?”, ask your child “how can your room be made better?” The chances are the teenager will see his room with new eyes.

Instead of saying, “You are always wasting your time,” ask, “Are you interested in learning a new skill like swimming or tennis?” Engage them in conversation, give them options and respect their opinion too. Otherwise they may start having thoughts like; “They are always scolding me”, “They don’t understand my problems,” or “They would be so disappointed in me!”

While talking to my own teenagers, I find that instead of taking part in a yelling, glaring and shouting match, it is best to give them space and time if they are upset. Just tell them that you are here to listen to them and they can come to you anytime.

The onus is on the parents to keep communication doors open and not make the teens feel alone and alienated. Otherwise teenagers might prefer to get advice or comfort from friends or social media which is not always the best or the safest option.

A Profound Message

Let Quran be Our Beauty Expert

When it comes to TV ads, there is no shortage of products that promise to whiten us, make us more beautiful, remove all skin imperfections, you know....the dekhnay wala dekhta hi reh jai.... type ads.

With so much focus on outer beauty we seem to have neglected the need for inner beauty. This Ramadan why not let the Quran be our beauty expert? (heard this line in a lecture and it resonated with me so much that i wanted to share it with everyone here)

Just like we look into the mirror to see if our lipstick is applied correctly or whether there's a pimple forming on our forehead or whether our mascara is not running down our eyes, why not look at the Quran to remove the imperfections of the heart and soul. There are numerous verses in the Quran that tell us Allah does not like so and so or Allah loves those who display certain qualities. May Allah help us to focus on those traits which make us beautiful from inside and remove the smudges and blots on our heart.

"Truly, Allah loves those who turn unto him in repentance.” (Surah Baqarah 2:222)

“Verily, then Allah loves those who are al-Muttaqun (the pious).” (Surah Imran 3:76)

"Truly, Allah loves Al-Muhsinun (the good-doers).” (Surah Baqarah 2:195)

Can We Mind Our Own Business Please!

“Married for three years? Why don’t you have children yet?” 

“You are still single? Why didn’t you marry?” 

“What’s your husband’s salary? “Are you happy with your husband? What time does he get home?” 

“What grades did your children get?” 

Sometimes I feel that we have no concept of what it means to mind our own business. During any family function, various aunties ask the most personal questions without batting an eyelid and to add salt to injury, offer advice, comments and solutions that would put psychologists, paediatricians, gynecologists and marriage counselors to shame. 

Many times, these opinions result from genuine concern and sympathy but there are occasions when women poke their noses into other people’ s affairs out of sheer malice, spite and thirst for gossip. 

One of my dearest friends is a mother to a lovely daughter. For the past 17 years, one question that gets asked of her every time she is in a family gathering is “Do you have only one daughter? Why didn’t you have more children?” 

I wonder what makes people think that they have any right to ask such personal questions? And this is usually followed by “My daughter had four children within 5 years of her marriage. Allah has given her a complete family.’ So having daughters is not equal to having a “family” in their opinion? A mother of two daughters gets to hear, “Oh two daughters. Now you should really try for a son.” As if trying for a son involves some secret recipe that is known only to a blessed few. 

One unmarried friend gets to hear, “You are still single? Why aren’t you married yet?” Married friends get asked, “How do you get along with your mother-in-law? Is she possessive about her son?’ 

One of my friends decided to delay having children after she got married to complete her education. “Everyone would ask me, “Why aren’t you having children? Is there a problem? Have you consulted a doctor?” she recalls with a laugh. “It was so hard to attend social functions as it seemed that I had become the focus of everyone’s attention, in fact almost an obsession just because I was childless for three years.” 

Mothers-in-law get asked, “What time does you bahu get up? How many times a week does she go to her parents’ house? Does she help in household work?” 

As a society, we seem to have a penchant for poking our noses into affairs of everyone around us. We ask the most private and personal questions and are offended if a person tries to maintain his dignity or privacy. We seem to thrive on gossip, with women being its most expert practitioners and ironically its most vulnerable target. 

 “You look tired.” “You seem dark.” “Have you gained weight?” “Didn’t you wear this dress in last week’s party too?” The comments that are made and opinions that are aired are usually aimed to make the other person feel inferior and embarrassed. Isn’t it time we stopped interfering in matters that have absolutely nothing to do with us. 

We never realize how much we can hurt people with our seemingly innocent remarks and questions. We never know how much a childless couple is hurting and maybe they don’t need to know that other people are discussing them. Maybe they are not ready for children or there’s a medical issue or other problems that they don’t want to disclose. 

Perhaps an unmarried girl has taken responsibility of her aged parents or younger siblings and has not found a life partner who is willing to share her problems. Unless we are in a position to genuinely help her, maybe we could refrain from making her realize that she is growing older and there are no “rishtas” for old spinsters in our society. She definitely does not need to hear” Umer nikal gaye to rishta nahin milay ga.” 

A whiff of a broken marriage or engagement can send these aunties in a state of tizzy. They can’t rest unless they get to know all the details of how, when why, what and kia huwa and kiya ho ga. And all the details are whispered from one ear to another with lots of “mirch masala” till the story resembles an 800 episode long Indian soap. 

A wise person once said, “To be busy minding other people’s business, is to leave one’s personal business unattended to. While you are too busy minding other people’s business, who is busy minding yours?” Making personal remarks or asking intrusive questions are not healthy for relationships. 

If someone asks you for help, advice or opinion feel free to air your ideas, otherwise it would be better for us to stop interfering into things that are no concerns of ours.