OMG! I Sound Just Like My Mom

There are a few dire warnings, threats and statements which desi mothers are prone to make, and these are handed down generations like precious heirlooms.

When I was growing up, I would roll my eyes, grind my teeth, or swear to myself that I would never say such things to my children but I guess unconsciously we absorb a lot of things from our parents. Now that we have children of our own, and we face similar obstinacy, battles and questions, we cannot resist using the same ploys our parents, especially moms, used on us.

The Flying Chappal Threat:

This is the perennial threat that is issued most during summer vacations and weekends. Sick and tired of seeing children lying comatose on beds all day or walking like zombies between the fridge and television, this “Uthtay ho ya jooti aye” threat was issued to me and my siblings on a daily basis. Maybe my mother thought she can frighten us into doing something constructive with our time. I am sorry to say that it failed to galvanize us siblings 25 years ago and falls on deaf ears in my household too.

The “Because I say so” dictum:

The ultimate response to every “Why” question throughout history has to be “because I say so.” It is a feeble way to establish authority or put an end to all pesky questions children come up with. Mothers use it as a way to re-assure themselves that they are the ones laying down the rules in the house and not the pint size toddler asking mutinously why she cannot have the fourth scoop of ice-cream.

The “if your friend jumps into a well” question:

Throughout my school and college years, if I dared to bring up a friend’s name in order to win an argument, the “If your friend jumped off a cliff/into a well, would you do it, too?” was the pat response that my mom used to win every debate.

It was no use telling her that my friend was not jumping into a well but was going to a cinema to watch the latest blockbuster or visiting the latest mall for some window shopping but in eyes of my mom, these activities translated to the same thing. I also use the same dictum with reasonable success against my children because it is so much fun to say it and then see them roll their eyes.

The “famine in Africa” reminder

Mealtimes are constant battles nowadays with picky eaters who refuse to eat anything remotely healthy and nutritious. They think it is an affront to eat plain rice, daal, chapatti and vegetable dishes when there are pizzas, burgers, tacos and street food available.

When I remind my children there are children starving in Africa who would love to have the food that they are wasting, I can almost hear my mother say the same thing.

The addiction-to-TV accusation:

In my childhood cartoons were precious and we were seldom allowed to watch movies. However on rare occasions when we were allowed to watch TV, we would get as close to the screen as possible as all family members would crowd in the same room to watch the favorite programme or cricket match. So I felt it was very unjust when our parents said “TV ka nasha hai tum logon ko” or “TV may ghuss ker baith jao.” Guess my horror when I find myself saying the same words to my children.

The ‘does money grow on trees’ question:

I must confess that this question which we grew up listening to whenever we asked for new clothes or shoes is a little obsolete now. Our children know that money does not grow on trees. They think it spills out of ATM machines.

The eyes vs button comparison:

Isn’t it strange that children’s eyes are usually very sharp when it comes to most things that they should not see or observe but send them to find a certain item from a drawer or room, and they will always come back empty handed?

Children also spend a lot of time looking for books, pens, and other stationary items that are right before their eyes on the study table and can waste an enormous amount of time looking for them while studying.

Often exasperated by our inability to find our socks or a matching thread, my mother would say “Aankhain hain ya button?”And yes, I say exactly the same words to my children for the exact same offense.

The hygiene mantra:

Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Use soap and water. What’s that smell? When did you last change your socks? What’s THAT on your bed? What’s THIS under your bed? When did you last clean your room? Every time I hear these questions coming out of my mouth, I mentally apologize to my mother for this can only be cosmic retribution for my childhood misdemeanors.

Well history tends to repeat itself and I guess, I do sound like my mom while dealing with my own children. And maybe it is not such a bad thing after all.

The Stranger In My House

How was your day?

Fine.

Anything new in school?

No.

Everything alright?

Yes.

While conversing with your teenager, you might wonder if there was really a time when your child used to talk nonstop. As toddlers, from the moment they opened their eyes to the minute they went to sleep, all they did was chatter and all you wanted was just five minutes of silence in the house.

Everything around a young child is a source of inspiration and a topic for endless commentary…toothbrush, teddy bear, egg and toast, butterfly, drive in the car, clouds, rain, ice cream, flowers, teachers, friends, school bag, colour pencils, lunch-box, Dora the explorer, Tom and Jerry…even an ant crawling up the wall is enough to make them talk incessantly with bright eyes and an animated expression.

Fast forward a few years and you will be justified to feel that some moody, silent stranger has replaced your exuberant, talkative child and the two of you do not even speak the same language.

Every question you ask is answered by a monosyllabic yes, no, or fine. Getting a proper answer out of them is as painful and arduous as getting a tooth pulled out and believe me when I tell you that tooth extraction is a truly painful procedure.

Have you ever wondered when it is that our children start shutting us out of their lives? When they feel they no longer need to tell us anything that is going on in school or after school or they can longer confide their worries to us. When did their problems get so big that that they started thinking that we, the parents, will be unable to help them? When it is that our approval or even permission becomes unimportant or irrelevant.

I feel a lot of this has to do with the way we communicate with our children. The words we use, how we respond to things they say and above all, our body language affects our relationship with our children. This can have a huge impact on whether they will feel comfortable talking to us about the big issues they will one day face as teenagers.

Renowned author and cultural historian Catherine M. Wallace says: “Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

These are wise words indeed.

If we do not listen to our children or support their little achievements or encourage them not to be afraid of failure when they are young, our children in later lives will become moody, silent and secretive.

Teenagers love to test their boundaries, That is why in most homes there are battles about what they eat, what they wear, the amount of time they spend on gadgets or watching TV and movies, the friends they hang out with, the company they keep, when they sleep and how much of their focus is on their studies.

Frustrated by their attitude, parents sometimes say harsh things in anger or desperation. Phrases like “how can you be so stupid?”, “don’t bother me” or “you will amount to nothing in life” can really hurt your child’s self esteem. And next time they feel justified in doing things secretively or not letting you about certain things they are encountering in life.

Similarly if parents are always criticizing their children’s appearance or choices, they will hesitate to confide in you or listen to what you have to say.

Instead of lecturing or scolding, the best way to talk to a teenager is to ask his opinion. For example instead of saying, “have you seen how dirty your room is?”, ask your child “how can your room be made better?” The chances are the teenager will see his room with new eyes.

Instead of saying, “You are always wasting your time,” ask, “Are you interested in learning a new skill like swimming or tennis?” Engage them in conversation, give them options and respect their opinion too. Otherwise they may start having thoughts like; “They are always scolding me”, “They don’t understand my problems,” or “They would be so disappointed in me!”

While talking to my own teenagers, I find that instead of taking part in a yelling, glaring and shouting match, it is best to give them space and time if they are upset. Just tell them that you are here to listen to them and they can come to you anytime.

The onus is on the parents to keep communication doors open and not make the teens feel alone and alienated. Otherwise teenagers might prefer to get advice or comfort from friends or social media which is not always the best or the safest option.