Good speech!

One book that is often read in my home is titled “Good Character” published by Darussalam.

It contains short stories and anecdotes with moral lessons to inculcate good habits in children and the stories are something children can relate with. It deals mostly with character building, controlling anger, telling the truth etc.

Picture from my own camera

Last night, I read a story to my younger son who has a bit of a temper. I found the story very touching and wanted to share it here (summarized and written in my own words)

A young boy went into a forest instead of attending school. While he was passing through the trees, he sang songs and poems he had learned in school. From afar, he heard sounds as if someone was responding to him and calling to him.

The boy stood still and called out, ”Who are you?” and the voice said the same thing.

He then shouted, “Where are you?” and the voice said the same thing.

The boy thought another boy was teasing him and started shouting bad things at him. He called out bad words and every word was repeated back at him. In a fit of rage, he cut a tree branch, meaning to teach the other boy a lesson. He searched the forest but found no one and came back home tired and angry.

He told his mother about the incident and complained that another boy had been saying mean things to him in the forest. His mother told him that what he heard was actually an echo his own voice. If he had said good things, he would have heard good things only.

Real life can of course be different but I found the story rather profound. What do you think?

A great lesson!

I read this inspirational post on Facebook :

Once a group of 50 people were attending a seminar. Suddenly the speaker stopped and decided to do a group activity. He gave each person a balloon . Each one was asked to write his/her name on it using a marker pen. Then all the balloons were collected and put in another room.

Now these delegates were let in that room and asked to find the balloon which had their name written, within 5 minutes. Everyone was frantically searching for their name, colliding with each other, pushing around others and there was utter chaos.

At the end of 5 minutes no one could find their own balloon and there was chaos all around. Now each one was asked to randomly collect a balloon and give it to the person whose name was written on it. Within minutes everyone had their own balloon.

The speaker explained that this is exactly what is happening in our lives. Everyone is frantically looking for happiness all around, not knowing where it is.

Our happiness lies in the happiness of other people. Give them their happiness; you will get your own happiness. And this is the purpose of human life. 

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I think this is a great lesson . In our everyday life if we help someone then we also benefit. Knowledge, skills and experiences grow when we collaborate rather than compete and there is less of rat race.

Big Fat Pakistani Wedding

A few weeks ago, I was invited to the wedding of an old college friend. I could not attend the wedding but went to my friend’s house at the earliest possible time to congratulate her mother on my friend’s marriage. As I was served tea, Aunty heaped gilded photo albums on my lap and proceeded to tell me all the nitty-gritty details of the auspicious occasion.

Very graciously, she invited me to a dinner that was to be hosted next weekend in honour of the bridal couple’s return from their honeymoon. As we talked some more, it became known to me that the coming feast was to be ninth function to be hosted by the bride’s parents for the groom’s family in a course of less than two months.

Ninth feast! I got a bit of a shock.  We all know that weddings nowadays take place over a period of 4-5 days but nine functions from one side were a bit too much for me to swallow.

“Well, the first dinner was for the date fixing event,” aunty was delighted to enlighten my ignorant, uncivilized soul.” All the elders of the two families were invited; you know cha-chas, mamoos, khalas etc. The guest list comprised some 60 people just from their side.”

“Couldn’t such things be done over the phone?” I ventured timidly knowing that the two samdhans were first cousins.

“No, no,” exclaimed the shocked aunty.” That is not how things are done nowadays.” She was clearly nettled by my outdated notions.

“Of course, I understand now. And the next function?” I asked in a placating tone.

“Well the next event was the Quran-e-pak khatam that I hosted for Ayesha. All the women from the two sides were invited and we gave such a wonderful lunch right here in these lawns,” she said nodding towards the spacious green garden visible from the drawing room window.

“Of course all the young girls later wanted to have a dholki so we arranged for a little music. It was such fun.  We had to arrange dinner later when their men folk arrived to take them home. It would not have seemed decent if they had returned without eating. Thank God the caterers co-operated. We had over 100 people in the house to feed.” Aunty seemed quite pleased with her impromptu banquet.

“And then one week before the wedding, we had a very grand function for mayoon. Ayesha’s mother-in-law brought such an expensive yellow outfit. It was a very costly affair as we decided to serve fried prawns and finger fish,” she added naming one of Lahore’s most elite wedding caterers as the food providers for that event. 

“And then of course, there was rasm-e- hina and then barat which was at Lahore’s finest 5 star hotel. Larkay walay would not settle for anything less. The groom has friends in high circles and it is important to create a good impression.”

While I was mentally trying to estimate the cost of just feeding the same guests over and over again, I was struck by a certain thought. “And weren’t any functions hosted by the groom’s side?”

“Well, of course, there was the Valima. What other function can they host?”

What indeed? I thought a little cattily. At least the Valima is still in vogue.

But the recital was not yet finished.

“And then there was the Muklawa. You know when Ayesha came over and her husband and his family came to take her back to their house. They demanded that everyone from their family must be invited and not just the immediate family. See how pretty she looked,” she added fondly, flipping open the photo albums.

“Of course, Eid-ul-adha was soon afterwards and we decided to host a grand dinner for the groom’s family. Such dinners strengthens the girl’s position among her in-laws. It was Ayesha’s first Eid after marriage, after all.”

And doesn’t her good character, sound education and excellent upbringing count for anything? Once again I could not help thinking.

“Your uncle had to sell his plot to meet the expenses of this wedding,” Aunty confided to me softly. “I hope they live happily together forever.”

By this time, it was not only the tea that was cold. I felt that my brain was numbed too. It is true that weddings in our culture are a reason to celebrate and enjoy with family and relatives. Indeed it is they who add all the colour and life to such important events in our life but at what cost nowadays?

Why is the entire burden on the bride’s side, I wonder? Are these rules and norms dictated by society or are they pitfalls made by our own hands? Why it is that simplicity is not something that one even wants to hear about as our daughters and sons embark upon the most important journey of their lives?

There was a time when our grandmothers carefully put away silk bundles and white georgette dupattas in steel trunk for their daughters’ dowries.  Our mother relied upon saving certificates and her gold jewellery to see us married. But now it seems that nothing less than 1-2 kanal plots would do to meet the wedding expenses of daughters in a way that would enable parents to hold their heads high in society.

As I took my leave, Aunty once again repeated her invitation. “Now don’t forget to come when Ayesha returns from her honeymoon. We were running out of ideas and venues so we are inviting everybody for high tea at…..” In a daze, I waved goodbye with the name of one of Lahore’s most expensive restaurants ringing in my ears.

Violence all around

We tend to associate television with entertainment and some fun time after a hard day’s work, but have we ever observed the effect that media has on our children nowadays? Bomb blasts, gun fights, street riots, public rage, strikes, murders…all day long news channels bring into our households depressing stories of bloodshed and violence all around us. 

While adults seem to have become immune to such horrifying reports, our children are becoming adversely affected and this is reflected in their speech and actions.

Image credit: Pixabay.com

It is an alarming fact that words and phrases related to violence are fast becoming part of our children’s vocabulary. For example, a friend who teaches in a school in Islamabad told me that while writing an essay about a shopping experience in a supermarket, few children wrote about customers being robbed at gun point while one child wrote about it being bombed. The worrying fact was that young children had given extremely graphic details of guns, bullets and dead bodies in their essays.

During a parent teacher meeting in my children’s school, parents were advised not to discuss load shedding, petrol prices and politics within their children’s hearing. The reason given was that it was promoting negativity, anger and abusive language among children who were absorbing their parents’ frustration with some of the adverse circumstances that have gripped our country in recent times.

While watching television, the lines of reality can often get blurred for young children. At this impressionable age, they cannot separate fiction from real events.  A number of studies have reported that watching media violence frightens young children, and that the effects of this may be long lasting. When children accept violence as part of life, they also accept it as a means of getting their own way. This attitude can have a very negative impact on their personality as they grow up.

As parents, we want our children to be shielded from the hard realities and tragic facts of life. At the same time, we want them to grow up into informed and educated adults. So how does one strike a balance?

Teach by example:

A wise person once said, “Whatever you want your children to be tomorrow, be that person today.” If grown-ups are frustrated, angry and negative all the time, we cannot expect our children to grow up into emotionally healthy and stable adults. 

Children learn by example and they are strongly influenced by the behavior, values, and attitudes of parents, teachers and other adults in their lives. Values of respect, honesty, and pride in the family heritage and our country can be important sources of strength for children, especially if they are confronted with negative images and tragic news stories on television.

Celebrate small things:

Teach your children to enjoy small things in life. Good marks in school, victory in a cricket match, a new friend, rainbow in the sky or small milestones accomplished by children are all reasons to smile. Once we learn to celebrate and be grateful for small things in life, it becomes easier to resist pessimism and overcome frustrations in face of adverse circumstances in life.

Manage your own frustrations:

Everything is expensive, there has been no electricity all day long, you had a tiff with your boss and there is a mountain of housework to be done…these everyday challenges can put one in a very bad mood and domestic quarrels can flare up easily. Parents who are always angry and always yelling are teaching their children to be angry and abusive too. Whether you attain your serenity from yoga, music, exercise or by sitting on a prayer rug, try to manage your anger and not vent your frustrations on your children.

Teach compassion and responsibility:

Children who like to help others and have a strong sense of responsibility are more likely to have a positive attitude towards life in general. They believe in making the world a better place for themselves and others. 

Discourage aggression in children:

Superman beating villains into a pulp or Ben 10 using special powers to defeat the alien forces…these cartoons and television programmes sow the seeds of aggression in children who feel might is right. As parents we must monitor the content our children watch on television. Try not to buy toy guns or toy military tanks for your children. If you find them smashing cars and shooting siblings in a mock battle, intervene at once and direct their energies towards some other games like riding a bike, reading books or playing cricket etc. 

Keep an eye on the company your children keep:

Make an effort to know the friends your children hang out with. Even if your child is innocent, he could get mixed up with bad company who might make use of his cell phone or computers for fishy reasons. Talk to your children about dangers of peer pressure and how they can overcome it without losing their friendships. 

Children absorb a lot from the environment they are brought up in. While things around us are far from perfect, by giving them a safe and happy home environment and teaching them to adopt a positive attitude, we can literally create a more positive world for them.

First published in Dawn.com

Take care because you are worth it

Our home is a place where we feel safe, secure and surrounded by things and faces familiar to us. But sometimes we hurt ourselves around the house accidentally while we play or are just going around doing our daily routine.

Studies tell us that accidents commonly occur in the living or dining room areas but the most serious accidents happen in the kitchen and on the stairs. Most of these accidents can be easily prevented if we are careful. Keeping ourselves and our homes safe is not just our parents’ duty but ours too. So let’s see what are the most common accidents that occur in homes and how they can be averted.

Where’s the fire?

A small fire looks nice if it is under the pan in which your mum is cooking your favorite dish. However, you should never underestimate the devastating power of domestic fire. It can spread very quickly, get out of control and cause a great deal of damage in a very small amount of time.

I am sure you know that children are not supposed to play with matches or lighters. If you have to conduct a science experiment involving matches or candles at home, ask an older brother, sister or your parents to help you. Never leave candles burning when you’re going out of a room or are about to sleep.

In winter, heaters are used in most households. Do not poke at the rods with sharp objects or put clothes, toys, papers or blankets on top of the heaters.

Watch out for creepy crawlies

Insect bites can be very painful. You should not leave food stuff on the floor where it can attract ants, cockroaches or rodents. Clean your room regularly to keep out spiders and lizards.

If you spill something sweet, clean it up at once. Never touch any strange insect with your bare hands. If one finds its way into your home, use a piece of cardboard or broom to dispose it off, or draw the attention of an adult towards it.

Don’t get shocked!

Electric switches, wires and sockets are not something that should ever be taken lightly. You should never insert metallic objects in open sockets or touch them when your hands are wet. When you insert a plug in the socket, the button should be switched off.

Toddlers like to chew plastic wires so if you have a younger sibling in the house, be very careful to tie up any wires that operate your appliances.

Do not use one extension for too many plugs otherwise it may heat up and melt. When not in use, it is best to pull the plugs out of the sockets. Check the cords of your lamps, computers and mobile phone chargers regularly. If they are frayed or damaged, alert your parents at once.

Look out for sharp objects

You might see your mum or grandmother work with scissors, needles, knives and other sharp objects every day. It does not, however, mean that they are safe to play with.

You should never carry a sharp item facing you. The blade or the tip should be pointed outwards. Also, never run while you are carrying scissors, knives or glass items. Even if you are in a hurry, always slow down and be careful.

All fall down

Toys, pillows, roller skates and other stuff should never be left lying around on the floor or on stairs. Other people in the house might not know and trip over them, which can cause them a lot of pain.

It is a matter of common sense not to hang down from balconies or jump from high chairs, beds and other furniture.

Putting things up the nose

Have you ever put small objects like peas, beads, pebbles or M&Ms up your nose? Or stuck your pencil or any other thing in your ear?

Bad habits like these can take you to the emergency room of a hospital and cause much pain and anguish.

What’s that funny taste?

There are many dangerous and poisonous things that are commonly used in homes to get rid of germs, bacteria, insects and stains. Never try to taste anything that is not meant for eating.

If a household cleaning agent spills on your hands, wash them thoroughly. Taking wrong dosage of a medicine, eating pills that are not meant for you or ingesting things like shampoo, detergents, your mother’s cosmetics and your dad’s perfume are also big mistakes. I am sure you are smart enough to know this but keep an eye on the young ones.

Choking:

How many times have your parents told you not to eat, drink and talk at the same time? If you talk, laugh or do goofy stuff while eating and drinking, the food that is meant to go down the food pipe can go down the wind-pipe, causing you to choke, cough badly and have trouble breathing.

You have to be extra careful while eating things like carrots, nuts, pop-corns, small candies and macaroni. Never put small things like coins, round batteries and small parts of toys in your mouth.

Other stuff to know

• If you see your younger sibling playing with matches or candles and he or she does not listen to you, get your mum or any other adult right away.

• After playtime, make sure that there are no small objects scattered on the floor where younger children can find them.

• Never dare your young brother, sister or cousin to do anything dangerous. What may not look like big distance or much height to you can be very dangerous for them.

• Any liquid or food spilled on the floor should be mopped up immediately to avoid slips and falls.

When Tom and Jerry chase each other around the house and fall, tumble and get banged up, they look cute and funny but in real life there is nothing amusing about getting a bump on the head or falling down the stairs. Remember your life and health are great blessings so take care because you are worth it!

First published in Dawn Young World.

The Good Earth, by Pearl S Buck

Nowadays I am reading the book “The Good Earth” and it definitely falls in the category of books that should be read at least once in a lifetime. 

It has been written by Pearl S. Buck, an American citizen who spent most of her childhood and much of her adult life in China. The book was awarded the Pulitzer Prize in 1932.

It is a beautiful story of a poor Chinese farmer Wang Lung, his extremely hard-working and frugal wife O-lan and their family in old rural China where land and sons were valued above all else.

The story that I have read so far narrates their simple wedding, their hard labour on rice fields and what happens when drought dries up the crops and how the family then moves to a city to survive. 

The couple then moves back to their fields and Wang Lung acquires more and more land to become a rich farmer. Olan’s life was really tragic though. As long as there was poverty, she was needed to work like an ox without rest and without complaints but as soon as prosperity and wealth comes to their house, her husband found her dull and unattractive and brings home a concubine.

It made me want to stab him with a couple of chopsticks when he takes the pearls from her and gives it to his lovebird. But the book was great and an acute study of human nature with all its strengths and frailties.

I really wish I can find the other two books in the trilogy "Sons" and "A House Divided” but they are rather hard to locate. 

Great book!

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A Portrait of My Dad

HOW do I begin to describe my  relationship with my father? All my life, he has been like a shady tree that stands unflinching and uncomplaining under the scorching sun, the windy gales, the punishing hailstorm and the heavy snowfall but kept us safe from the harsh elements of weather. And life itself!


He is a man of very few words but every word that he utters is full of love for me and my siblings. He never spoiled us but made sure we had all the necessities of life. He wears very simple clothes usually in same shades of white, blue and gray and prefers not to buy too many things for himself. In fact he has very few personal belongings but he always made sure that we had the access to best health, education and other facilities in life.


In our childhood, he was not really involved in our day to day life leaving most of the decisions to our mother but he was always aware of our victories, school achievements, our joys and sorrows, our childish fears and problems. What ever we used to feel, he felt more for us.


How can I even begin to repay the love and sense of security he has given to us all our life? Even today, whenever I need something, I just have to place a phone call to him,. It is not in his nature to ask too many questions and his response is always, “I’ll see what can get done” and it always gets done. He waves away our gratitude and never lets us even say “thank you.”


He is also deeply religious and one of those few men who seem to have found peace and complete serenity in life. He has been badly hurt by some people close to him but he never lets anger, hatred, greed, envy or jealousy find a place in his heart. It is as if all the negative emotions get washed away by his ablution at night and he begins each day with a clean and wiped slate.

If we ever try to show anger at our relatives, he stops us by a look and now I realize that this has been his way all our life. As I said , he is a man of few words but he commands so much respect that it is always difficult to do anything bad in his presence. He never raised his voice with us and considered all his four daughters a precious gift from God but he never compromised on discipline and good morals for which I am eternally grateful.


My father loves to eat fruits. I have vivid memories of my childhood when we (my sisters or myself) used to peel apples or oranges for him, he would always offer the fruit slices first to us and then put it in his mouth. He loves to have his children and grandchildren all around him and then piling them with food, fruits or chocolates.

He is extremely hospitable and loves to have guests on his dinner table (something which drives my mom crazy). My mom is a great cook and whenever she cooks something special my dad would either call up his sisters or brothers to share the meal with us or have it made into a package to be delivered to their house. Our house was always full of laughter and noise in my childhood days.


I pray to God that my dad lives a long, healthy life. Though I am married, my dad is still my bedrock because with him I can shed my maturity, my years and my responsibilities and be a young, carefree little girl again.