Birthday Celebrations in Schools

One event that excites children to no end is their birthday. It is a special day for them and the images of cakes, candles, gifts and confetti are enough to keep them awake all night. Birthday for a child is a big occasion which they want to celebrate with their friends and family members with as much pomp and show as possible.

In recent years, it has become a norm for parents to arrange extravagant birthday parties in schools where they bring cake, birthday hats and goodie bags for the whole class. In some cases goodie bags are a treasure trove of imported chocolates, sweets, art supplies, candies and other expensive items. However, this trend is giving rise to some serious emotional issues in those children whose parents cannot afford to do the same on their birthday.

Children in Montessori or nursery schools are too young to understand the concept of what their parents can afford or cannot afford. When they see a child basking in the limelight with everyone clapping for him, singing the birthday song and bringing gifts and sweets for the whole class, it is only natural that they want the same for their birthday.

More and more middle class families are working hard to send their children to elite schools for sake of better educational opportunities. But once enrolled, it is very tragic really that the difference between haves and haves-not becomes apparent to children as young as 3-4 years old.

Children from rich families know even at that tender age that they are different from those who do not have big cars, expensive houses, mini toy stores at home and maids to look after them. Children from middle class know that their parents cannot give them the things that some of their class fellows take for granted. This is giving rise to arrogance and superiority complex on one side and jealousy, envy and depression on the other side. All these negative emotions are very detrimental for any child’s emotional and character development.

School administration should take a strong stand against parents who wish to show off their wealth within school environment. No child should be made to feel special because he or she comes from a privileged background or just because “Daddy brought a remote control helicopter from Dubai” or “My maid is from Philippines and I have so many servants in my home.”

Any celebration that needs to be done must be the same for every child like having a picture on a school board with Happy Birthday sticker displayed for the day, the birthday song sung by the class fellows or allowing distribution of inexpensive sweets.

Parents who wish to throw themed parties for their children can arrange a big birthday bash at home with friends and family members but at school, children should be just children. Class, social status and elitism should be left outside one a child enters the school premises. Wealthy parents must realize that the cost of arranging an extravagant birthday party for their child is too high if it is making other children in the class depressed and victims of inferiority complex.

On the other hand, it is a fact that children cannot be protected from harsh realities of life all the time. Parents need to be able to communicate with their children and tell them with honesty that some people have a lot more money than others. Parents who have a strong, loving relationship with their children are able to thwart feelings of inferiority complex or sadness when it arises.

Children need to understand that expensive toys, branded watches, bags, shoes and foreign trips are not possible for everyone and material possessions are not the most important things on earth. Not every wish can be granted nor every whim fulfilled. Even if parents can afford to, it is a terrible idea to pamper the children too much or give in to their every demand.

Parents who themselves have a contented spirit and moderate outlook on life can teach their children good values. If parents are bitter, angry and show signs of jealousy and discontent, children are quick to pick these nuances from them and will view the world and all it contains in a negative state of mind.

The Headlines We Make

Every morning I like to pursue world news while having my breakfast. I either read the newspaper or just scroll through headlines on my smartphone while sipping my hot mug of tea.

But recently this activity has started making me feel depressed. Whether you read about Kashmir or Palestine, Yemen or Iraq, Syria or Afghanistan, mass murders or genocide, shootings or knife-stabbing incidents, one is bound to feel depressed about colossal loss of life and suffering of people dying of war, violence, disease, hunger or natural disasters in various parts of the world.

But this is not all. I have noticed that there is a huge gulf in the type of news articles that originate from some countries and those that make headlines in our part of the world.

For example, I read on BBC that Japan will send gardening experts all around the world to restore Japanese-style gardens that have fallen into a state of neglect. The gardens are used for tea ceremonies, festivals and other events to introduce people to Japanese culture. This is not only a beautiful gesture and an excellent way to promote culture and trade but also shows the priorities of Japanese government.

Then I read about a project called Little Free Library in which a book lover puts a box, shelf or crate of books in front yard of his house. Neighbors can browse, take one book, and return later with a replacement. It was started by a young man as tribute to his mother who was a teacher and loved to read. This idea was replicated by many people in their own communities and by 2016, more than 60,000 Little Free Libraries have been registered in over 70 countries.

There are reports on how Amsterdam has succeeded in becoming the bicycle capital of the world. Cycling is usual mode of conveyance in Netherlands, and even the prime minister is usually seen cycling to work. Cycling proficiency lessons are a compulsory part of the Dutch school curriculum.

News reports from Sweden tell us that this European country is so good at recycling garbage that it now imports rubbish from other countries to keep its recycling plants going.

In Singapore, chewing gum was banned because people would leave the gum on bus seats, school rooms, theatres, or sidewalks. After its ban, hardly anyone chews gum in Singapore. People can be fined up to $10,000 for littering or jailed. The offenders are required to clean public areas for up to 12 hours. Laws are same for rich and poor, common man and powerful alike.

In Wattle Grove Australia, only 10 lemon-scented mature gum trees were set to be cut down for a new road. A petition demanding that the city council review its decision to chop the trees gathered nearly 10,000 supporters forcing work to stop.

Indonesian President Joko Widodo was scheduled to participate in a parade but his motorcade got stuck in a major traffic jam in Jakarta. Rather than miss the parade the president and his entourage walked for several kilometers in scorching heat to reach their destination.

Then there is this heartwarming story of people like Jim McIngvale, known as “Mattress Mack,” who turned his furniture warehouses into shelters for people made homeless by tropical storm Harvey. When some of the storm’s victims couldn’t make it across flooded streets, McIngvale dispatched his large delivery trucks and drivers to collect people and bring them to safety. People lived, slept and ate on the beds, sofas, mattresses and furniture that were kept there to be sold.

For me, these stories are not just headlines but they convey an entire spectrum of values, laws and ideals people of these countries uphold. You would not find their parks, museums or libraries neglected or vandalized. There are stories of communities and neighborhoods coming together for common goals.

If you contrast these types of news headlines with those that originate from our part of the world, not just Pakistan but let’s say South Asia, we read about thousands of farmers committing suicide in India, collapsing bridges, landlords destroying farms of helpless widows, a man on knife stabbing spree, police clueless about how to catch criminals, never ending political shenanigans and war mongering among regional neighbors.

There are never ending tales of poverty, exploitation, land grabbing, illiteracy, superstitions and apathy on every level. There are daily reports on plight of out of school children, sexual assaults, water shortage, overflowing drains, expanding slum areas, growing traffic congestion, garbage heaps, and inadequate city planning.

I am fully aware that the western society and culture are not without their share of problems but we also have to admit that people of these countries have civic sense ingrained into them. They care about their streets and trees, butterflies and fish, lakes and mountains and their wildlife. They make queues; they have strict laws regarding traffic and cleanliness. The elderly and disabled have amazing rights under law.

In our part of the world, there is so much focus on personal goals and acquisition of material stuff that ethics, laws, love of nature and civic sense do not register on our radars at all. I cannot imagine our politicians walking on crowded streets to keep an appointment or cycling to the parliament house. 

An outdoor library would not last as all books would probably be stolen within an hour. Bans in our part of the world are ignored and not by any stretch of imagination can I see our elite cleaning streets or beaches. Do we even care about our blind dolphins or illegal hunting that’s decimating our wildlife?

People break rules just to show their power, clout and wealth. We have this amazing “Pakistan may sab chalta hai” attitude. Isn’t it time we focus on developing some basic civic sense and respect of law in ourselves individually and collectively?

Throw Away Clutter

"Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.” – William Morris

If we take a good hard look around our homes and cupboards, we will probably find a gazillion things we no longer need. There are probably children’s clothes, toys, shoes and books taking up space, clothes that no longer fit us or went out of fashion a decade ago, ugly decoration pieces that were gifted by stingy relatives, mismatched crockery or things that we are emotionally attached to like birthday cards, picture frames or holiday souvenirs.

Having all this extra stuff in the house can have a very negative impact on our lives and emotional health, but somehow we cling to the stuff thinking we might use it one day. There is always a feeling of guilt attached to the cleaning process when we think of how much money was spent in buying the knickknacks or clothes that we now deem useless.

I always feel very depressed when I have to clean out a closet that is full of broken odds and ends. It is not only very time consuming but I am never sure which nut, bolt or wire might come in handy later. I also have a huge amount of books in my home and dusting and keeping the bookshelves organized is truly a herculean task. And yet, I am unable to sell them or give them away. In apartments or small homes which lack proper storerooms or attics, this problem is exacerbated where things always seem to overflow and there is jumbled stuff everywhere.

But having a clutter free home is essential for physical and mental well being. People who live in messy homes or work in cluttered offices are more prone to be stressed if they can’t find things they are looking for, it drains their energy and they are more likely to be short tempered. Too much clutter in the home also requires more time spent cleaning and dusting otherwise dust and mold can accumulate causing different allergies and health problems.

When it comes to handling clutter, some people find it easier to tackle a small area every day like a shelf or one drawer while some prefer to do it on a seasonal basis by going over the entire house altogether. Whatever approach works best for you, here are a few simple rules to follow:

Know what you want to keep and discard the rest. Periodically clean out your closets and check your shoes, clothes and other accessories. Anything broken, outgrown or not worn for years needs to be disposed off.

When it comes to de-cluttering, my best friends are cartons and a thick black marker. Keep 2-3 big card boxes for sorting out stuff. If unsure about certain items like books, greeting cards, shoes, clothes and crockery, place them in cardboard boxes. If you still don’t find a use for them in let’s say, 4-6 months, you can give them away. Things in good condition can also be put on sale online.

Have neatly labeled files for sorting out bills, medical reports, school reports, bank statements, receipts etc. and make it a habit to file away papers immediately.

Make it a rule to clean table tops and counters before going to bed and this habit needs to be inculcated in the whole family. Remember the maxim: A place for everything and everything in its place.

Another important rule is to slow the rate of accumulation of stuff in our homes. Before buying things mindlessly or just because they are on discount, think whether you really need them and if you have a place to store them in the house.

Be generous. If you are fashion conscious and love to buy the latest trendy kurtis, shawls or bags, make an effort to sort out and give away your old stuff instead of cramming everything in cupboards and drawers.

Similarly keeping decades old clothes thinking you might wear them “someday” is also useless. Identify people and places where you can donate stuff such as heavily embellished clothes that you no longer need or last year’s school books. There are plenty of charity organizations and poor people who could benefit from school uniforms, books, toys, blankets, bed sheets, crockery and shoes etc.

Sometimes elderly people in the house are reluctant to part ways with old possessions. Since money was not spent so freely nor there was such accumulation of personal stuff, they think it is a sacrilege to throw away old blankets or bits of furniture or clothes that were bought decades and decades ago. 

It is however very important to understand and their state of mind. Sometimes, it is not about things but a host of emotions and memories associated with those possessions so these matters should be handled delicately and with empathy.

Having a clutter free home is a habit. Once you enjoy the physical and mental freedom and pride that accompanies a clutter-free living, you will find yourself making the extra effort to ensure that your home remains that way.

Get Things Done

Where does the whole day go? 

Almost every night, I seem to ask myself this question even after being up for almost 15-16 hours and doing something or the other nonstop all day long. Most of the time, I feel that 24 hours in a day are just not enough to pack in all the activities that demand our attention. At the end of the day, I may feel tired physically but mentally I am still stressed out about things that have not been done and are smirking at me from my daily To-Do list.

But after some soul searching and introspection, I realized that there are quite a few habits that waste our time and though we are busy doing something or the other all the time, we are really not getting important things done. Hence the list of daily chores does not seem to diminish and we feel unsatisfied with what we have accomplished during the past 24 hours.

If you feel you are in the same boat, read on to know the reasons and how to fix them.

1) Social media addiction: 

This is the biggest culprit when it comes to time guzzling. With friends and family members spread all over the world, most of us spend a lot of time on Whatsapp, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram checking messages, reading emails, watching videos, laughing at memes and then spending a lot of time answering them. Just the amount of time we spend on social media is bad enough, but what compounds the problem is that every beep and ping makes us check our smart phones, breaking the momentum of the work we are involved in and making it harder to re-start or concentrate. 

If you need to work on a project that demands your full attention, create a specified, uninterrupted time frame where you focus solely on the project at hand. Turn off phones and resist the urge to peek at your Whatsapp after every five minutes. You will be surprised how much more efficiently you can work.

2) Know what needs to be done today: 

Every day I start my day with a to-do- list. This has helped me a lot to focus on things that are necessary and cut the time wasting activities from my life. Right after breakfast; I make a to-do list that comprises of chores, tasks or assignments that need to be tackled. Doctor’s appointment, visit to the bank, parent-teacher meeting, cleaning the fridge or completing an article, making a list helps me to prioritize the activities that need immediate attention. The upside is that a lot more gets done as compared to starting your day in a haphazard way.

3) Unclutter your mind: 

Modern day life is very hectic and there are usually lots of things on our mind. Whether it’s an illness of a near and dear one or children’s grades in school, financial problems or a family feud, it is very hard to focus on work when our brain is occupied with unpleasant or negative thoughts. Though these things are harder to relegate to the back of the mind, you have to train yourself not to let them affect your office work or other areas of your life that demand your full concentration.

4) Be more organized when it comes to shopping: 

Once again making lists can make your life much easier when it comes to shopping, whether you are buying household groceries or clothes, shoes, medicines etc. I even write the names of shops I need to visit for my shopping so that I can plan my route and not waste time going from Point A to Point Z and later remember that I needed to go to Point S in between.

5) Don’t procrastinate: 

Most of us procrastinate when it comes to tackling a long, tedious chore or facing an unpleasant situation. But the more we delay, the bigger a hassle it becomes. Have a disorganized cupboard at home or over cluttered drawers or if your fridge needs a thorough cleaning, tax documents needs to be filled or files are to be organized, allot a day and time for your tasks. Have a firm deadline for getting it done. Remember “Someday” is not a day in any calendar. Also keep in mind the advantages of getting the chore done.

It is a sad reality that many of us do not value time. We waste it doing things that have no positive effect on our life. Instead of watching endless hours of TV entertainment or chatting on social media, this time can be spent on being productive or enhancing our personality by learning new skills. Read a good book, start a fitness goal, enroll yourself in an online class or start a freelance business. Cut out the unnecessary from your daily routines and get things done!

The Three Gates of Wisdom

If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?”

These wise words have been accredited to almost every sage ranging from Buddha to Greek philosopher Socrates to Sufi mystic Rumi to Hindu guru Sathya Sain Baba and even to Hazrat Ali (ra)

But irrespective of its origin, I wonder what will happen to our society and people in general if we were to apply this adage to ourselves for a week or even a day. I personally think that at public meetings, family functions, work, home, social media and wherever there is a gathering of more than one person, most conversations would come to a complete standstill.

For what would a mother-in-law say to her son about his ‘wayward’ wife when he comes home from work? Or the daughter-in-law about her ‘susral’ when she is among her own family members during a visit to the ‘maika’? What would colleagues talk about when one of their own is not among them?

How will a team discuss their boss as soon as his back is turned? How will the print and electronic media survive if every word they say or write about politicians, sports celebrities and movie stars has to pass through this sieve of “Is it true is it necessary, is it kind”?

How would we survive if after coming home from a family wedding, we would not be at liberty to discuss the bride, her bridal dress, her looks, her make-up and jewelry, the groom, his family, the food, the dowry, the guests and the general arrangements, without adding our own tarka and spice to the real thing.

Unfortunately many among us thrive on just this diet of gossip, rumor mongering, scandal sharing and telling tales. We derive a certain satisfaction from criticizing, ridiculing and saying cutting things about each other. We like to talk about the failures and disasters that befall our family members and colleagues whom we do not like and take a certain satisfaction in the misfortune of others.

In schools and other educational institutes, we constantly find children lying, bragging, backbiting, being rude to teachers, using abusive language and bullying. Children are capable of saying horrible stuff and adults too seem to have little self censorship.

In homes, couples sometimes say cruel words to each other in anger. Parents can say taunting words to children while scolding them. We do not realize how much impact our heedless words can have on the psyche of the other person and how harsh words can gradually destroy relationships.

Parents especially should be very careful of what they say to their children and the tone they use. Saying things like “you are useless/worthless” or “you are nothing and doomed to failure” can have a very bad impact on parent-child relationship. If we learn to control our words and just think before saying something whether it is kind, true or necessary, many relationships can be saved.

Our use of social media adds another dimension to the way we communicate with the world around us. Social media makes it possible to spread gossip, rumors, lies and scandals like wildfire in a matter of minutes.

In fact, according to social media experts, gossip and rumors on websites such as Twitter and Facebook spread in the manner of a contagious virus, To borrow a scenario from a biology book, viruses undergo subtle genetic changes through mutation and major genetic changes through recombination. Similarly facts, information and reality also undergo alarming changes when being spread through social media sites. In matter of seconds, reputations can be murdered and characters slandered.

One look at the content that is shared or goes viral shows that people can become the subject of online or media ridicule due to their beliefs whether religious, social, cultural, political or more. Experts also say that there is an overwhelming flow of fake news and false information spreading across social media which travels faster and further than the truth.

Sitting in our homes, safe behind our computers, smart phones and laptops, most of us never even pause for a second while sending a text, meme or message forward. We never imagine how a person’s life can be destroyed in one moment because of an idle joke, a malicious image, a remark or a false report. Reputation has become a very fragile cheap commodity and when damaged the loss is absolute. Tragically, it can cost people their jobs, relationships, freedom, and their very lives.

Today, more than ever, we need to stop and think about the words we speak and the news we share. One of the best ways of not becoming a part of this rat race is to stay out of the matters that do not concern us. Develop a reputation as a person who does not invite gossip, rumours or tell tales. Try to stick to the truth as much as possible. Think before you discuss a person in his absence or press the “forward” button if you receive a text, meme or joke that is not in good taste.

The True Test of Our Inner Strength

There is a very famous Chinese saying: “Great souls have wills; feeble ones have only wishes.”

Whether we want to be more organized, more punctual, have a cleaner home, whether we want to learn a new skill, get rid of bad habits, save more money or get in shape, we need resolution and the strength of will to make it happen. Yet time and time again we prove ourselves weak and powerless against temptations and distractions. 

When our dreams do not materialize, we blame the circumstances, lack of resources, means, money, time, friends and family members and even the neighbours and yet we do not realize the extent of our own fault and lack of willpower.

Simply put, our willpower is our ability to resist short-term temptations in order to meet long-term goals. If I want to save money for a rainy day, I will have to stop myself from running after designer suits every time they are launched or refrain from buying branded accessories. 

The temptation to splurge and throw all caution to wind is very strong as we are constantly bombarded by advertisements in print and digital media that threaten to destroy our resolve. However this is where a strong will power and self discipline come to our rescue.

Similarly, if someone wants to get in shape, he will have to stop eating foods that are bad for his health and get involved in some sort of physical activity. The urge to sit in front of TV and watch the latest Turkish soap or every match that is being aired around the globe may be strong but once a person decides that remaining fit is more important he will have to resist such temptations.

Willpower determines whether or not we will reach the goals that we have set for ourselves or that we can persevere at tasks that are assigned to us. Willpower is the key to success and yet most of us have misplaced this important key to a better life.

Many people complain that they do not have the time or resources to pursue their dreams and goals. I feel that most of the time these are excuses that hold us back. Each one of us is blessed with 24 hours a day. It is how we chose to spend our time and resources and the choices we make that make us successful or frustrated in life.

Instead of watching a mind numbing morning show or keeping up with every Hollywood/Bollywood movie or spending excessive time on social media, we can choose to spend this time on self improvement. The key is having enough resolve to prune away unnecessary activities, expenditure and even people from our lives to be more productive. To have a strong will power we need to look at the following steps:

Know what you want: 

Be very clear about your goal, ambition or dream and set your priorities right. In most instances, what you have to do and the way you have to do it is incredibly simple. For example if you want to lose weight, you have to make smart food choices and get moving. You want to be in a better financial position, you have to cut down unnecessary expenses. You want to have better options in job and career, learn new skills and look for constant ways to improve. What you want and how you can achieve it are simple. The real test is whether you have the will power to do it.

Make a list: 

It always helps to have the goal in writing. It can serve as a reminder every time you lose self resolve.

Believe that you can do it:

Our past mistakes and lapses do not have to define our future. If we have been unable to keep our promises to ourselves, this does not mean that future efforts will also go in vain.

Remove temptations: 

If you have not developed a strong will power, then remove temptations from your vicinity. Avoid window shopping or online surfing if you can’t stop yourself from buying new stuff all the time.

Be Ready for the Struggle: 

It is not always easy to cultivate a strong will power. It is more fun to do things that we want to do rather than things that need to be done, isn’t it? So start in small doses. Let’s suppose eating out frequently is shrinking your bank account and increasing your waistline, decrease the number of time you eat out one trip per month till it is no longer wrecking your life.

Charles Dickens once said: “The most important thing in life is to stop saying ‘I wish’ and start saying ‘I will.’ It’s worth trying.

OMG! I Sound Just Like My Mom

There are a few dire warnings, threats and statements which desi mothers are prone to make, and these are handed down generations like precious heirlooms.

When I was growing up, I would roll my eyes, grind my teeth, or swear to myself that I would never say such things to my children but I guess unconsciously we absorb a lot of things from our parents. Now that we have children of our own, and we face similar obstinacy, battles and questions, we cannot resist using the same ploys our parents, especially moms, used on us.

The Flying Chappal Threat:

This is the perennial threat that is issued most during summer vacations and weekends. Sick and tired of seeing children lying comatose on beds all day or walking like zombies between the fridge and television, this “Uthtay ho ya jooti aye” threat was issued to me and my siblings on a daily basis. Maybe my mother thought she can frighten us into doing something constructive with our time. I am sorry to say that it failed to galvanize us siblings 25 years ago and falls on deaf ears in my household too.

The “Because I say so” dictum:

The ultimate response to every “Why” question throughout history has to be “because I say so.” It is a feeble way to establish authority or put an end to all pesky questions children come up with. Mothers use it as a way to re-assure themselves that they are the ones laying down the rules in the house and not the pint size toddler asking mutinously why she cannot have the fourth scoop of ice-cream.

The “if your friend jumps into a well” question:

Throughout my school and college years, if I dared to bring up a friend’s name in order to win an argument, the “If your friend jumped off a cliff/into a well, would you do it, too?” was the pat response that my mom used to win every debate.

It was no use telling her that my friend was not jumping into a well but was going to a cinema to watch the latest blockbuster or visiting the latest mall for some window shopping but in eyes of my mom, these activities translated to the same thing. I also use the same dictum with reasonable success against my children because it is so much fun to say it and then see them roll their eyes.

The “famine in Africa” reminder

Mealtimes are constant battles nowadays with picky eaters who refuse to eat anything remotely healthy and nutritious. They think it is an affront to eat plain rice, daal, chapatti and vegetable dishes when there are pizzas, burgers, tacos and street food available.

When I remind my children there are children starving in Africa who would love to have the food that they are wasting, I can almost hear my mother say the same thing.

The addiction-to-TV accusation:

In my childhood cartoons were precious and we were seldom allowed to watch movies. However on rare occasions when we were allowed to watch TV, we would get as close to the screen as possible as all family members would crowd in the same room to watch the favorite programme or cricket match. So I felt it was very unjust when our parents said “TV ka nasha hai tum logon ko” or “TV may ghuss ker baith jao.” Guess my horror when I find myself saying the same words to my children.

The ‘does money grow on trees’ question:

I must confess that this question which we grew up listening to whenever we asked for new clothes or shoes is a little obsolete now. Our children know that money does not grow on trees. They think it spills out of ATM machines.

The eyes vs button comparison:

Isn’t it strange that children’s eyes are usually very sharp when it comes to most things that they should not see or observe but send them to find a certain item from a drawer or room, and they will always come back empty handed?

Children also spend a lot of time looking for books, pens, and other stationary items that are right before their eyes on the study table and can waste an enormous amount of time looking for them while studying.

Often exasperated by our inability to find our socks or a matching thread, my mother would say “Aankhain hain ya button?”And yes, I say exactly the same words to my children for the exact same offense.

The hygiene mantra:

Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Use soap and water. What’s that smell? When did you last change your socks? What’s THAT on your bed? What’s THIS under your bed? When did you last clean your room? Every time I hear these questions coming out of my mouth, I mentally apologize to my mother for this can only be cosmic retribution for my childhood misdemeanors.

Well history tends to repeat itself and I guess, I do sound like my mom while dealing with my own children. And maybe it is not such a bad thing after all.

The Stranger In My House

How was your day?

Fine.

Anything new in school?

No.

Everything alright?

Yes.

While conversing with your teenager, you might wonder if there was really a time when your child used to talk nonstop. As toddlers, from the moment they opened their eyes to the minute they went to sleep, all they did was chatter and all you wanted was just five minutes of silence in the house.

Everything around a young child is a source of inspiration and a topic for endless commentary…toothbrush, teddy bear, egg and toast, butterfly, drive in the car, clouds, rain, ice cream, flowers, teachers, friends, school bag, colour pencils, lunch-box, Dora the explorer, Tom and Jerry…even an ant crawling up the wall is enough to make them talk incessantly with bright eyes and an animated expression.

Fast forward a few years and you will be justified to feel that some moody, silent stranger has replaced your exuberant, talkative child and the two of you do not even speak the same language.

Every question you ask is answered by a monosyllabic yes, no, or fine. Getting a proper answer out of them is as painful and arduous as getting a tooth pulled out and believe me when I tell you that tooth extraction is a truly painful procedure.

Have you ever wondered when it is that our children start shutting us out of their lives? When they feel they no longer need to tell us anything that is going on in school or after school or they can longer confide their worries to us. When did their problems get so big that that they started thinking that we, the parents, will be unable to help them? When it is that our approval or even permission becomes unimportant or irrelevant.

I feel a lot of this has to do with the way we communicate with our children. The words we use, how we respond to things they say and above all, our body language affects our relationship with our children. This can have a huge impact on whether they will feel comfortable talking to us about the big issues they will one day face as teenagers.

Renowned author and cultural historian Catherine M. Wallace says: “Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

These are wise words indeed.

If we do not listen to our children or support their little achievements or encourage them not to be afraid of failure when they are young, our children in later lives will become moody, silent and secretive.

Teenagers love to test their boundaries, That is why in most homes there are battles about what they eat, what they wear, the amount of time they spend on gadgets or watching TV and movies, the friends they hang out with, the company they keep, when they sleep and how much of their focus is on their studies.

Frustrated by their attitude, parents sometimes say harsh things in anger or desperation. Phrases like “how can you be so stupid?”, “don’t bother me” or “you will amount to nothing in life” can really hurt your child’s self esteem. And next time they feel justified in doing things secretively or not letting you about certain things they are encountering in life.

Similarly if parents are always criticizing their children’s appearance or choices, they will hesitate to confide in you or listen to what you have to say.

Instead of lecturing or scolding, the best way to talk to a teenager is to ask his opinion. For example instead of saying, “have you seen how dirty your room is?”, ask your child “how can your room be made better?” The chances are the teenager will see his room with new eyes.

Instead of saying, “You are always wasting your time,” ask, “Are you interested in learning a new skill like swimming or tennis?” Engage them in conversation, give them options and respect their opinion too. Otherwise they may start having thoughts like; “They are always scolding me”, “They don’t understand my problems,” or “They would be so disappointed in me!”

While talking to my own teenagers, I find that instead of taking part in a yelling, glaring and shouting match, it is best to give them space and time if they are upset. Just tell them that you are here to listen to them and they can come to you anytime.

The onus is on the parents to keep communication doors open and not make the teens feel alone and alienated. Otherwise teenagers might prefer to get advice or comfort from friends or social media which is not always the best or the safest option.